As an ally to women, it is very important to me that women know that I am that to them. I do everything I can including liking their facebook statuses, sharing their facebook statuses with the caption, “THIS,” and I’m pretty sure I even do other stuff as well. Recently, I have decided to take my supportive behavior offline and make the ultimate display of male feminist solidarity; I have vowed that I am never going to cum during sex ever again.
To many boorish and unrefined men, the sort of neanderthals who would own multiple hats, female pleasure is a taboo. These barbarians simply want to get their rocks off and get out of my Buick Lesabre as quickly as they were able to toss my polyamorous life partner Debra across the backseat. Not me! I respect the female orgasm so passionately that to the untrained eye my reverence could be construed as fear. Women deserve to climax just as much as men, and as long as I am incapable of providing that to them, it is my just and divine duty to similarly deprive myself. Watch out, “fuccbois.” I am about to smash the patriarchy with my flaccid penis.
I have faced varied and consistent criticism for my pledge. Some, like my father, ask why I do not simply learn to effectively pleasure women, rather than live a life free from sexual release. To that, I say, it is very hard. Have you ever seen a vagina? At best, they look grumpy. Their near endless folds are intimidating. Is the clitoris at the top or the bottom? Who can remember! Not only this, but by succumbing to the pressure to “make women cum” put on me by our hetero-normative rape culture, I am contributing to the objectification of women and reinforcement of traditional gender roles. By refusing to give in to society’s expectations of male sexuality, I am engaging in an act of civil disobedience on par with the deeds of Gandhi or Martin Luther King.
Others, like Debra, claim that I am not taking a political stance at all, but merely rationalizing my impotence after the fact. It is true that I suffer from erectile dysfunction. I have been unable to maintain even a modest erection since we decided to open up our relationship (I am sure these matters are unrelated). To suggest that I am abstaining from sex because I am unable to perform is gravely offensive. Would you tell a man who walked away from a fight with his life partner’s new boyfriend that he is a coward and unable to fight, or would you respect him for having the bravery to stick to his pacifist ideals in a violent world? We all know that man is a hero, like an army troop or a cowboy. These same principles apply to my adamant refusal to have sex or cum during it, regardless of whether my body will allow me to even attempt.
I do not expect this to be easy. The high road never is. Undoubtedly, women will learn of my sacrifice and attempt to repay me for my symbolic gesture by having sex with me. Oh, how I will laugh! I will look down at them as they roll my useless tube in their hands like a play-doh snake, and I will feel nothing but pity. When they run their tongue alongside my shrivelled, unresponsive organ, I’ll of course be flattered, but more than that I’ll be heartbroken they have missed the point I am making just like Debra has. When I go soft halfway through sex and curl up into a sad ball next to her, I think the message I’m sending is loud and clear: we are equals in this relationship.
Join me, brothers, and throw off the shackles of sexual pressure! Explain to your partner that your confusing and incompetent performance is a gift to her, a grand display of justice, and she will thank you. I have made things equal in my bedroom, and one day, God (who is a woman) willing, things will be equal between men and women in all areas of society throughout the entire world. The future is female, and I have left my dick where it belongs: in the past.